Body Image: How to trick yourself into loving your body

Today I decided to wear a crop top. And not just to wear around my house with the blinds closed. Apparently, I have decided to also post it on the internet for gods’ know who to see. This was not a thought-out-in-advance decision, and as I am finalizing this post, I am having second thoughts about whether this is the best move to protect my body image. I am going to embrace my innate stubbornness and press on though.

This morning, I woke up not feeling very good about myself in general. I do not hate that I am fat; fat is a neutral descriptor of a body. Sometimes I feel self conscious about the way I look, but the bigger problem is my body doesn’t always feel like it’s mine. I feel like I’m carrying around a shape that doesn’t fit me anymore and limbs that don’t function like I expect them to when I move.

Usually when I feel like this, I put on the largest, blandest sweatshirts and sweatpants and dissolve into a sad lump. There is nothing wrong with dressing for comfort (it’s basically all I do). But I realized I was maybe dressing to hide from myself. So I put on this crop top that has been buried in my dresser for two years and decided I was going to fake it until I make it.

My approach is inspired by the psychological finding that you can’t wait for motivation to strike to do something. You have to start with action, and motivation will come. So I am starting with action, showing off my body and sharing my feelings about it.

I gained about 30lbs in the months after my knee surgery when I was not allowed to weight bear. 10 months after my surgery date, my knee is not at 100%. I can’t jump or run or skip or even sit cross-legged. My kneecap is now stable but my MCL is not, and my muscles are not at full strength. I have to be mindful when moving to not re-injure it.

I don’t fit into clothes I love, and I just don’t feel right. It’s hard to explain, and I tend to avoid discussing body image. I now have new scars, on top of the skin issues that come with EDS and MCAS. I’m tired of just feeling sad and wrong in my body. Sharing this is an experiment. I want to feel whole in my body, so I’m going to just act like I do.

My mind and body are not separate entities. I am my body, and my body is me. We are far from perfect, but we can now walk without using a cane, go up and down stairs, cook for ourselves, go for walks and easy hikes outdoors, shower, breathe, laugh, and continue to exercise to get stronger, however slowly. This doesn’t mean a body needs to be an abled body to be worthwhile. I’m just coping with my own experience of a new normal.

I’m not expecting praise on how “brave” I am for existing as a fat woman and talking about it. I just want to share what I’m doing so everyone knows they don’t necessarily have to change their body to try to feel better about it. It’s okay to love imperfect things (and people). My body is never going to function the way it “should” or exactly the way it used to. That’s chronic illness, and it’s as much a part of me as anything else, good or bad.

Instead of merely accepting my body as an imperfect vessel my brain rides around in, I plan to pretend that I wholly and deeply love my body as myself. I will act as if I embrace it and care for it unconditionally.

To paraphrase a line from Hank Green, you can only pretend to believe something for so long until you do.