Hello Depression

by The Hypermobile Physicist · June 8, 2023

Photo by Engin Akyurt on Pexels.com

I am still here, and I am still working on new content, but my inner Eeyore has arrived to slow me down a little.

I am fortunate that I can recognize depression for what it is when it comes on, and I am lucky that so far it’s never terribly serious. Mostly I just feel sad, with sudden lurches into crying fits, tired beyond my usual fatigue, and I have to expend a lot of extra effort to do things that aren’t strictly necessary.

Writing this post is an exercise of forcing myself to do something that’s not strictly necessary but is good for me. Using the self-imposed “obligation” of sharing my experiences here is enough today to get me over that activation hump.

I keep trying to examine why I’m depressed. “Chemical imbalance” isn’t a satisfying enough answer. I am in pain and not sleeping well, but that’s my status quo. Still, I think it sets me that much closer to the edge so when work stress and relationship stress and family stress and additional health stress pile on, here I go. Hello Depression.

When I encounter any problem, my scientific/engineering mind is trained to do the following.

1) Ask questions to understand the “why” until you reach the root cause(s).

2) If possible, collect data to confirm the root cause, or point to an alternative.

3) Evaluate options to resolve the root cause if possible, and at least alleviate the symptoms and/or contain the problem if not.

So this is what my brain tries to do with depression.

Me: OK 1) Why am I crying?

Also Me: I feel unbelievably sad.

Me: Why do I feel sad?

Also Me: My murder podcast friends read me a story about a father who passed away before his first grandchild was born, and then I was thinking how my Dad will probably die before I have kids, and they’ll never know him, and I won’t have appreciated him enough before he dies, and I probably won’t even be able to have kids, and I’ll probably outlive my partner so I’ll die alone, and all I’ll have is memories of holding all my cats from many decades for the last time before being put to sleep due to kidney failure or other terminal illness, and it’s all because of choices I made, and I’m the problem.

Me: What?

Oh. You’re depressed. Why are we depressed?

Also Me: The things I am most deeply sad about are inevitable and out of my control.

Me: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that. There has to be a reason for this. Moving towards 2) What’s the evolutionary advantage of depression anyway?

*Googles*

That was interesting but less than helpful. Let’s accept we don’t understand the root cause and jump to 3) symptom management.

Also Me: OK cool so keep working because I gotta, but otherwise sleep and watch TV and cry. Sounds like a plan.

Me: You haven’t been outside in two days, go for a walk. Keep seeing your friends. Lie down and do nothing for half an hour when you need to. Spill your nonsense out onto the internet. Keep going to therapy. You’ll be all right.

Also Me: All right fine WHATEVER I’ll go on a stupid walk for my stupid mental health, and I’ll see my stupid (wonderful) friends even if I don’t really feel like and I’ll just keep trying to keep trying. OKAY??? UGH